Days like yesterday make me wonder if I am too hyper vigilant.. If I worry too much. Is her mito really having all the affects on her that I think it is. I know it is crazy.. but you would be amazed at how much time my brain spends on just these types of questions. She hates all of the vital checks and restrictions. When I see her playing without pause and smiling.. it makes me wonder.
Then we have days like today where she wakes up puffy and sore and tells me she only has two marbles/spoons.. That is not a good start to the day. She tells me to please call and let them know she can’t make it to aquatic therapy. She lays down on the couch and cries if you look at her wrong. Today, she is paying for yesterday’s fun. She HATES naps, but I know that is what she needs. So the dance begins. I find a way to clear the house of all the other family members. I offer to snuggle her on the bed if she is interested… then I sneak away as soon as she starts to sleep.
I find myself in those quiet moments praying for healing.. begging for healing. Then praying for God’s will. I am never quite sure which prayer is the right one. I know that our God is a healing God. I know that God can work miracles, and can do anything. I also know that sometimes the answer to our cry for help is sometimes just going to be no. Not that he doesn’t help.. just not always in the way we ask him to. It sure can make a person crazy. I pray for healing, then his will, then find myself wondering if too much doubt in my mind and heart is why God says no. I realize that their is no truth in the statement.. but man it is hard. I feel like my prayers go round and round with these same lines. I wonder if it is this difficult for me to wrap my mind around what it must be like for Mattie. She is on fire for God! I have also seen her yell and shake her fists at him. In the end she probably has it right. I am sure that God doesn’t mind us being mad.. he is enjoying the conversation.
No real aha moment in this post.. just venting a bit I guess.